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7 Steps to Getting What You Really, Really Want…

             At our recent Ultimate Goals Party, we covered a lot of great ideas on how to set and achieve goals. I want to share a taste of what we covered, so that you can use it to improve your life and overcome the obstacles in the way of getting what you want.

             Feel free to forward this to anyone you think would like it!

7 Steps to Getting What You Really, Really Want…

This is a simple, step-by-step blueprint to figuring out what you really want and how to get it.

It comes from NLP, where it’s called a Well-Formed Outcome. It’s commonly overlooked by people who want to learn flashy tricks, but it’s one of the most powerful and essential tools you can have in your toolbelt!

Most people have a clouded idea of what they want -- this process can easily clarify that. You could create an incredibly powerful change in most people’s lives just by becoming effective at guiding them through this process.  

This can also be extremely valuable in sales, reframing negative thoughts, and many other contexts. In our upcoming meetups, everyone will gain great skill in applying these steps to enrich their lives.

1. Select a goal.
1. What do you want? Imagine you can wave a magic wand and have things exactly how you wish them to be… what would be different?
2. Is it achievable by you no matter what others do?  
3. Is it stated in the positive? (meaning, what you’re moving toward.)

It’s important to let go of limitations and old ideas of what you’re capable of achieving. Otherwise, you’re likely to waste time on things that are what you think you should want, and not what you really want and deserve.

Many people get focused on wanting other people to change and end up feeling powerless. If you want your boss to change, or your old lover back, that puts your happiness in their hands. But, if you want to respond resourcefully to your boss, or to regain the sense of adventure you felt with your former lover, then you put the ball back in your own court.

Also, blaming that person for getting in the way of want is likely to cause problems in your relationship. (Especially if what you want is them!)

You’ll constantly hear people complaining about what they don’t want. “I don’t want to be nagged! I don’t want to feel so insecure! I don’t want to fail!” What DO they want? If you know you want to get away from Alaska, but don’t know where you want to go, you may end up in North Pole!

This is a useful tool for reframing problems. Ask someone who is complaining about their life: “Yes, what DO you want?” It may take asking a few times before they tell you what they want and stop saying what they hate. Get them to answer. You’ll notice their emotional state change completely.   

2. Choose your proof?
1. What's the evidence? How will you know when you've achieved it?
2. Does the evidence relate closely to the goal?

If you want to be a writer, what does that mean? Writing everyday? Publishing a novel? Getting on the New York Times bestseller list?

How will you know you’re moving closer to it? If you’re goal is to be on the bestseller list, you may be rejected by numerous publishers… that may not seem like moving toward your goal at the time, when in fact in can be a necessary part of it. Likewise: gaining a new relationship may involve some setbacks as part of the process. So... what let’s you know you’re on the right road?

If you’re proof that you are a good parent is that your kids tell you that you’re awesome... you may want to re-think that. Because, sometimes you’ll have to do things they don’t like in the short-term to be a good parent in the long-term. You may want to look at more verifiable measures of your effectiveness.

Also, many people don’t even notice they’ve gotten what they want after they’ve gotten it! They miss out on celebrating because they didn’t establish in advance how they’d know when they succeeded.

3. Select the context.
1. Where, when, and with whom do you want your goal?
2. What will you see/hear/feel that will let you know it's time to have your goal?
3. When don't you want your goal?

You may want to become more confident. If that’s your goal, do you want to be confident even when you’re wrong? or, when you don’t have the skills you need to be successful? Probably not!

Even if you did, being confident, or anything else ALL of the time is unlikely. There are probably certain situations when you really want that confidence. What are they?

You may want an amazing relationship with someone wonderful. Do you want them around all the time? You probably want a certain amount of time to yourself, time with your friends -- yes, time without that special person. When is that? If you want a new job, are you okay working 80 hours a week? No? Then, how much? How much is too much?

If you want your family to communicate better, what does that mean and what doesn’t it mean? You probably don’t need to hear about your grown kids sex lives or what TV shows they watched today. You may want to hear about what’s important to them in their lives.

Be specific about the context!

An Important Question:

An important question to be asking yourself again and again during the process of formulating your goal is: “What will that do for me?” And, again:“What will that do for me?”

It may be that you want a promotion so that you can have more money… you want more money so that you can pay for a trip with your family… you want the trip so you’ll have time together… which you want so you’ll feel closer to them…

If you just go for the promotion, you may actually wind up getting promoted into a job that makes you work more, so you have less time with your family and are stressed when you are with them!

But, what if you set a goal of feeling closer to them and having more time together? You’ll likely have a very different, more effective game plan!   

4. Check for ecology and obstacles.
1. What stops you from having your goal already?
2. How can another goal also be satisfied? (i.e., How can you get the goal of going on vacation, while satisfying the goal of having enough money in your bank account afterward?)
3. How do you know that’s an obstacle?
4. How would you know if it wasn’t an obstacle?
5. What would happen if you did it?
6. How could you get what you want without  ______? (Money, time, a degree, courage… whatever is supposedly lacking.)
7. How could you get ______? (Money, time, a degree, courage… whatever is supposedly lacking.)
8. Are there counter-examples? Have there been times when you/someone could do this? What can you learn from that?
9. Are there aspects of your life or anyone else’s on which this will have a negative effect?

People tend to look for obstacles. For some it’s a full time hobby!

It’s important to save this step until what you really want has been solidified in your mind. Otherwise, your goals may be so influenced by what you think isn’t possible that they don’t inspire you at all -- Ghost Goals that inspire nothing but boredom. So, make sure to let your imagination have free reign until this step.

Next, go through the questions provided. You’ll find that many obstacles disappear upon closer inspection. Many have simple solutions.

Often, old standbys like, “I don’t have enough time/money.” are just excuses to cover up for insecurities. Be willing to explore further and you may be surprised at how little time and money you need. Or that you don’t need them at all. Or, how easy it is to get them.

Sometimes you’ve succeeded in the past at things you’re telling yourself you can’t do now. If not you, someone’s likely to have done it -- often, with more difficulties then you have. What if you learned from them?

Make sure your goal is positive for all parts of you, your life, your relationships and the world. There’s nothing worse than getting what you want and paying a high price. The classic example is a celebrity like Robin Williams who gains fame and fortune but doesn’t get the happiness they desired and commits suicide!  

Dig deep to make sure your goals are good for you and all aspects of your life.

5. Find existing resources.
1. What resources do you already have that will assist you in reaching your goal?

Make an inventory of your skills, friends, experience, anything else that could contribute to getting what you want. You likely have more than you think. Call around around and you could easily discover a friend of a friend who can help you.

If you want to get good at public speaking, you can probably already speak well when you’re comfortable, and you have topics you’re knowledgeable about. It’s likely just some aspect of talking to groups is where you want more comfort or skill. You’ll feel better off knowing you have most of the resources you need.

6. Find needed resources.
1. What additional resources, skills, and abilities do you need to achieve your goal?

So, what do you need/want? Knowledge? Stuff? Money? Time? Skills? Who has it? How can you get it?

There are many creative ways to get it: borrow, trade, get stuff free, volunteer, apprentice, get partners, find investors...

One overlooked resource is your emotional state. Depending on the situation, it may be most useful for you to be: excited, curious, loving, brave... or even mad and fed up, if you want to quit your job and pursue a new career path. The point is to find out what emotional state is useful, and learn how to create that when you need it.

7. Make a plan.
1. How are you going to get your goal?
2. What's your first step? What can you start right now?
3. Is the first step achievable and specific?
4. What’s the timeline?
5. How can you keep motivated?

Now it’s time to create a plan! Using everything you’ve done so far should make it look much more achievable. What can you do right away to get started?

Many people have poor motivation strategies: they imagine what could go wrong, they picture themselves failing, they tell themselves it will be a lot of work, they say they’ll get started soon but won’t set a specific time. These are all excellent strategies for failing. It’s very useful to use NLP to learn a powerful internal strategy to keep you motivated. The 7 steps above are created to help start building that inside of you.

Until you learn a good motivation strategy, you may need to share your goals with friends and have them ask you again and again what you’ve done towards achieving those goals. If that’s what you need, do it!

One of the most important things is finding an easy, safe way to get started immediately! That can mean just starting to research the topic to find out more information.

What stops many people is that they are afraid of failure, afraid of mistakes. If you want to be an artist, your first step isn’t to draw the Mona Lisa. It’s likely to be drawing some lousy drawings every day. Eventually you’ll get good -- and you have to get started to get good!

Find out how you’ve failed in the past and do anything else. The motto is: if what you’re doing doesn’t work, do anything else!  In other words, if you want to go to New York and you keep seeing signs indicating you’re heading toward Los Angeles… change your direction!

Keep noticing what results you're getting and adapting your behavior until you get the results you want.That’s more important than any plan you’ve created. If you just do that, you’ll have gained an incredible skill that will serve you the rest of your life.

That’s it! Go through those 7 steps with a few goals and soon you’ll have internalized the process. You’ll notice that the first 4 steps are really asking the question: “What do I want?” The last 3 steps are asking: “How can I get it?”

It will quickly change your outlook. You’ll find it allows you to accomplish much more, with less work, and feel much more rewarded!

Copyright 2016 by Chad Elliot, all rights reserved. Seattle Improv Classes